Harlequin's Slash Fic

Ted & Ralph: 03 River Deep, Mountain High

Title: Ted & Ralph: 03 River Deep, Mountain High
Author: Julien
Universe: Ted & Ralph (The Fast Show)
Characters featured: Ted/Ralph
Category, Word count: Short story; 1032 words
Rating: R
Summary: In which Ralph wakes up from a delightful dream, and Ted finds a good use for a haystack. (Well, it’s just a bit of a PWP wallow in newfound love, I suppose!)
First published: 22 April 2004 in Homosapien 7


River Deep, Mountain High


When you were a young boy
Did you have a puppy
That always followed you around


Ralph woke alone in his cold narrow bed, and cheerfully began his usual routine of washing and dressing. Soon enough he was trotting off through the gardens to find his groundsman. He’d had the most delightful dream the previous night. Even while he jogged along, he was torn between smiling and blushing over the details, while simultaneously promising himself that he wouldn’t embarrass Ted by sharing those details with him. No, he really shouldn’t, even though he half–hoped Ted would find it all as compellingly wonderful as Ralph did himself …

He finally tracked Ted down in the barn, tending to a newborn calf. The dear little thing was tottering around on shaky legs that seemed far too fragile for it, trying to get to its mother’s teats. Ralph watched for a moment, spellbound, until at last the cow let her offspring succeed in its mission. ‘Bravo!’ Ralph cried, clapping his hands together. ‘And good morning to you, Ted!’

When he dared to look at Ted, Ralph was deliciously shocked to discover that Ted was looking right back at him. Looking right at him, meeting his gaze, and grinning happily – and of course the dream had been true all along! Ralph sent up a fervent prayer of thanksgiving, for Ted loved him. Forever! And ever! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Ted loved him as completely and utterly as Ralph loved Ted. Colouring up, Ralph smiled, felt overcome by bashfulness, gazed unseeing at the straw beneath his feet.

His brown leather shoes were soon toe–to–toe with a pair of Wellington boots. ‘Morning, sor,’ came that beloved voice. And then a kiss … Such a bounty to be thankful for! ‘Hope you slept well, sor.’

‘Yes, I did, Ted – for you kept me company in my dreams, if not in my bed!’

‘Sorry, sor. I had this little one to take care of. Touch and go for a while there, sor.’

‘You’re quite the lifesaver, aren’t you, Ted?’ Ralph looked up at him, certain the man would take his meaning.

Ted turned away for a moment to watch the calf. ‘I was wanting your advice on something, sor, if you can spare me a few moments.’

‘A few decades, if you like, Ted. A few centuries.’

This was met by a gentle guffaw, and the back of Ted’s fingers running down his cheek. They walked down through the fields hand in hand.

‘You wouldn’t believe what you got up to in my dreams last night, Ted …’

‘No doubt you’re right about that, sor.’

‘Shall I tell you?’ Ralph felt wonderfully wicked.

Ted considered him for a moment. ‘If you like, sor, you can show me.’

‘Oh, no! I’d be too shy.’

‘Yes, sor.’ And Ted almost managed to hide his smile.

Ralph laughed. He’d been had, and he didn’t mind one bit. How well Ted knew him!

They ended up, as they often did, in the lower field. Ralph looked about him with a frown. ‘Ted … Ted, why is there a haystack there?’

‘I was wanting your advice, sor.’


‘About what one might do when one has a haystack at one’s disposal, sor.’

Ralph gaped a little. What luck! It seemed as if Ted might be feeling almost as wonderfully wicked as Ralph himself this morning. ‘Well … Well, Ted – maybe one could ask someone whom one cares about to climb it with him.’

‘Right you are, sor.’ And Ted led the way round to the other side of the haystack, where a ladder stood conveniently propped.

After some huffing and puffing, and some judicious pushing from Ted, Ralph managed to clamber to the top, where he found a blanket spread. He collapsed onto it with a sense of great anticipation. Sure enough – soon they were bound up together, naked, with the blanket wrapped around them.

‘What a frightfully good idea of yours this was, Ted.’

‘Thank you, sor.’ Ted leaned in closer for a moment to kiss him; and then he leaned round further still, and whispered in Ralph’s ear: ‘Show me what you dreamed about, sor.’

Ralph knew he was blushing red as a rose, but he pressed close and whispered in Ted’s ear, and guided his hand …

It wasn’t long at all before he forgot about being shy. In fact, if this kind of thing kept up, Ralph thought he must soon turn into the most brazen creature in the county!


I love you just the way you loved that puppy
But only now my love has grown


Ted, as thorough as ever, had brought a thermos of tea with him. They shared it, drinking out of the one cup as if there’d never been any question of them not being intimate.

When they lay down again, Ralph stared up into the blue sky. Five clouds slowly waltzed by before he was game enough to broach the subject that had been preying on his mind. ‘Am I … Am I a good lover, Ted?’

‘The best, sor.’

‘I don’t even know what I’m doing most of the time!’

‘You’re doing fine, sor.’ Ted cleared his throat, and mumbled something.

‘What was that, Ted?’

Ted rolled his eyes, but his frustration seemed reserved for himself. A long moment later he said, ‘I never had much of an imagination, sor. But you have that in spades. Makes up for any lack of experience, sor, I promise you.’

‘You know you can call me Ralph, Ted.’

‘Yes, sor.’

‘So I am a good lover?’

Yes, sor.’

Ralph smiled a little, though he knew it was a bit wavy and watery. ‘I knew I’d prove my father wrong one day, Ted. He said I’d never be good at anything. But I knew one day I’d find something I could do well enough.’

‘Oh, sor …’ And Ted wrapped him up anew, and held him close for the rest of the morning, and Ralph didn’t even mind when Ted slipped into sleep and began snoring.


And it gets stronger, in every way
And it gets deeper, baby, let me say
It gets higher, day by day

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